My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
