Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
