my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Oh god it's open bar.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
