i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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