Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
