a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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