he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You are the jesus of drinking
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
