i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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