Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
