i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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