I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
