she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
