The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
