The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
