i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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