I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
