mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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