There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
