fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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