im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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