He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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