OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
