I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
