So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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