Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
