do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
