She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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