The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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