he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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