I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
