it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
