I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What drink are we having for lunch?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
