Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
