sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
