just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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