the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
