No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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