You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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