all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
