I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
