The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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