Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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