I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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