so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
