she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
