I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
