You're completely useless in the revolution.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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