Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
