Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
