somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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